Monday, May 07, 2007

Going With My Gut

I'm going to try and express a thought that's been floating around in my head for a while now, but if it doesn't make sense... sorry.

I've always been the sort of person who just implicitly trusts people. I meet them, think they're fabulous, share thoughts and feelings. No problem. This has sometimes led to disaster. Like the time when my cousin Lyndsi (also a very trusting person) and I met a random girl in the ward who needed a place to move into and we jumped at having her as a roommate. Looking back at the situation, we DEFINITELY should have picked up on warning signs that she might not be the best roommate in the world. And that she was a complete crazy person who couldn't go five seconds without lying. Okay, I'm exaggerating, it was more like 30 seconds. But even though I've had a few sticky situations, I've always been glad that I was so trusting. It's a great thing to bring into friendships.

This past year however, a series of events slowly stripped that naive, trusting instinct away. I didn't quite realize how much it really affected me until I moved to Colorado and started making friends here. I feel like a broken and crazy person half the time. Which I'm sure is mostly in my head, but annoying nonetheless. I've noticed that I tend to spread myself around. Meaning that I become friends with lots of people and then let them each see different pieces of me. Kind of like investing your money in diverse ways. If one stock crashes, no worries. Huh... I totally just gave an analogy using finance. Weird.

I guess the conclusion I've come to is this: Being an distrustful person doesn't suit me. It makes me feel broken. It's not natural. I've decided to stop fighting my natural instincts and do what I want to. I may crash and burn, but having done so before, I know that it'll all turn out okay. It always does if you wait long enough.

So there we go. New goal: Trust people. Believe that they're good. Believe that they won't drop kick me and then use me as a floor mat afterwards.

7 comments:

Andrea Jolene said...

I usually trust people 100% and like them the first time I meet them too. But I trust them in that I feel everyone is basically a good person and normal (shockingly not true sometimes). However, I'm pretty tight lipped about meself. :) It is always best to try and give folks the benefit of the doubt - even in the event of possible disaster.

Wanda said...

I have always hated that I am gullible, and naive and it has cause me some heartache in my life...but I continue to trust people, because that who I am, and that the way God wired me...and most of the time, it has been a positive aspect of my life. I like your resolve.

Diane said...

I also give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to be trusting, but I trust my instincts. If something seems off, it usually is.

Live and learn. We often learn the most about ourselves the hard way and during difficult times.

Stacy said...

I hope you find the right balance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

heidikins said...

Ya know, for better or worse, I used to trust everyone. Although at this point in my life I trust very few people, and I am actually more comfortable that way. I got to the point where the burn just wasn't worth it anymore, and sadly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was before. For better or worse.

Love you girly, xox

Trish Ryan said...

I do that too, dividing myself into different pieces. I don't mean too - I'm not sure if it's a trust issue so much as a "whatever happens to be on my mind on the day that we meet" thing. I think maybe it's from growing up in New England, in a little town where we all kind of knew everyone since forever.

That said, though, I think real friendship takes more time than we like to admit. You hit it off in certain ways at first because of what you have in common; other things come out over time. I'm not sure we're supposed to trust everyone, but it's great to find those core people who really know you. You'll find them!

SpyderWeiss said...

Hmmm, I like God's point of view. Love everyone, but don't trust everyone. If only I can gain that omniscience thing now, I'll be home free to living the dream! Then again, I don't think I'd want to know everything about everyone, I can't believe God is able to trust any of us with that view, he knows we are all going to screw up at one point or another. Then that's when the love part comes back in. Awwww...